Fear is a natural part of our children’s development, but it’s also a great opportunity to improve communication between us, deepen mutual understanding, and grow together. Here’s one such moment: It’s 10:00 PM, the house is quiet, and suddenly a small voice choked with tears calls from the next room: “Mom, Dad, there’s a monster under the bed!”
Sound familiar? Do you also encounter frightened children at night, convinced that someone is lurking in the dark? And what can you do in the moment to ease their experience of fear and guide it to an empowering place? That’s what this article is about. Feel free to read, apply, and share.
Childhood fears are an integral part of children’s emotional development. On their journey from the protected womb to life outside it, our children undergo a fascinating journey of emotional growth, where their fears change and develop as they learn more about the world and gain more experiences of coping and success. As parents, grandparents, and other adults involved in the lives of the little ones, it’s important that we’re aware of the stages of this journey and understand how we can help.
First Stop: Ages 3-4 – Fear in the World of Imagination and Shadows
In early childhood, our children’s imagination flourishes and comes to life. The darkness in the children’s room suddenly fills with imaginary creatures. The sound of a branch tapping on the window might sound like a monster trying to get in. And the shadow of a fluttering curtain might look like a scary lion… Children at these ages might cry at night, refuse to sleep alone, or demand that the light in the room stays on.
What can you do to help them feel more relaxed?
- A “transitional object,” like a beloved teddy bear or soft blanket – will give them a sense of security
- creating a consistent and soothing bedtime routine, including a favorite lullaby or reading an uplifting story together – can also help
- And if the children insist that the monster or lion is still under the bed – you can offer to check it out together: Take a flashlight, and allow the child (if they agree) to check what’s under the bed, to see that there’s nothing scary there (usually you’ll find the missing puzzle piece, or the other sock you were looking for the previous morning…). For extra assurance, you can sprinkle magic powder against monsters, lions, and other animals under the bed or curtain, or put a barrier at the room’s entrance…
Second Stop: Ages 5-6 – Fear in a World Between Imagination and Reality
At these ages, children understand more about the world around them, but still struggle to distinguish completely between imagination and reality. The fear of monsters and animals may be replaced by concerns about thieves or storms, but these fears still appear in scary dreams.
At this stage, children may suffer from nightmares and react accordingly. For example, waking up crying from a scary dream, or avoiding frightening situations, which manifests in refusing to enter a dark room or being afraid to sleep alone on a stormy night.
What can you do to help them feel more relaxed?
- As parents, this is a great opportunity to provide simple explanations to ease their concerns. For instance, explain to them how thunder is created to calm their fear of storm sounds outside.
- Appointing” their favorite transitional object as a “guardian” that will stay awake all night by their side can also help reduce the level of fear
- And of course, reading relevant books together as part of a soothing bedtime routine, focusing on books that provide children with convincing answers or practical tools, from a “light” and storytelling perspective.
Third Stop: Ages 7-8 – Fear in a World of Abstract Concepts
At these ages, children understand more complex concepts, and their experience of fear adapts to more complex coping. For example, with failure at school (“What if I fail the math test?”) or social rejection (“No one will want to play with me during recess”). These fears can manifest in obsessive thoughts of excessive worry and even physical complaints, such as stomachaches before a test or social meeting with unfamiliar people.
What can you do to help them feel more relaxed?
As the dominant adults in their lives – parents, grandparents, educators etc., it’s important never to dismiss the fear (“Why are you making a big deal? You have nothing to fear. You are a champ!”…), but…
- Start an open and supportive dialogue from a place of containment, care, and attention, for example: “Tell me what worries you about tomorrow’s test”… and take it from there
- Teach them simple relaxation techniques, like taking deep breaths or counting backwards
- And of course, work together on strengthening the children’s self-confidence, through encouragement and support.
Bottom Line
Fear is a natural part of our children’s development, but it’s also a great opportunity to improve communication between us, deepen mutual understanding, and grow together.
As you could have learned from the article, at different ages our children deal with different fears, but at every stage, it’s important to take their fears seriously, and offer them available, age-appropriate solutions, such as a transitional object, a soothing bedtime routine, leveraging the experience of fear into an empowering and strengthening dialogue, and reading supportive books together.
“The Scary Lion That Growled in the Dark”
A feeling of fear and the surprising results of an innovative NLP technique that has already done wonders for many children, are the milestones in Ron’s journey to discover the secret of the scary lion that growled by his bed at night.
This is the second book in the “Little Heroes” series, which gives readers a glimpse into important life skills, in a light-hearted way and with eye-opening illustrations, precise rhyming, and a melodic rhythm.
It is an empowering book about fear, courage, and imagination, that will equip your children with a surprising technique for dealing with nightmares and anxieties, and allow them to befriend the fears hidden in their hearts, courageously.
Now It’s Your Turn
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